People ask me quite frequently why I feel so strongly in having the body present for a funeral. They tell me they want to remember the person “as they really were”. They tell me it’s creepy. They tell me stories of when they were children and something horribly frightening happened to them when they were at a funeral home.

However, having the body present may be the only way some people have for really accepting that a death has occurred.

Most of my clients who have experienced it, have said that being present when a loved one dies is a heartbreaking but beautiful experience, that they wouldn’t trade for anything else.However, it’s also very difficult to see someone you love so unlike themselves- frail, disheveled, unshaven or in pain. Time and time again, I’ve had clients thank me for helping to make their loved ones look more like themselves before they were sick, and more like they are in peace, instead of in pain. It can bring an enormous sense of relief.

When a loss is sudden and unexpected, often people can not believe their loved one is actually gone. Even in cases where people were seriously injured, their loved ones feel the need to see them just so they can really believe it.

I had a discussion recently with another funeral director about what it was like to work in Metro New York after September 11. He told me the sad and not unusual tale of a young widow who waited for weeks about news about her husband, until finally word came that a body part had been found.

Finally, after weeks of holding her breath, of waiting for the other shoe to drop, she could have a funeral.

But still, it seemed incomprehensible to her that he could be gone, and that he could be lost in such a way. In the days before the funeral, she asked to see the body part she would be burying. She knew it was just a part. She knew it had been heavily damaged and was essentially unrecognizable.

But she also needed to see it. She prayed that some recognizable trait would be apparent, so she would know it was him. So she would know it was real. She would know he was home.

Even today, she tells people that in many ways she was fortunate, because she at least had a part to say good bye to.